Monday, November 15, 2010

A rl post.

I just needed to get something off my chest, and since i'm too lazy to make a RL blog, you're all stuck with the following. If you don't feel like reading,'s your right.

I’ve lived my life in avoidance. Whenever something bothers me, really bothers me, I push it aside and attempt to focus on the positive. Or I transfer it onto something superficial that I don’t really give a rats ass about. My life has never been easy or pretty, although the more impacting things happened in my early adult years. An abusive relationship, a really bad night I wish I could forget, another really really bad night that I will never be able to forget no matter how much I drink, and other various ‘growing pains’ that no one should ever have to go through; I’ve learned to cope, hide my emotions, pretend it doesn’t matter. Because, if I give into that constant scream thats deep in my chest, I'll never be able to stop screaming. I play the role of the party-girl, and no one ever has to know.

I don’t think I can live my life like that anymore. My sister is joining the United States Air Force, and the closer we get to the date that she leaves for basic, the more depressed I become. I think tonight has been the worst day so far. I spoke with her for a little while tonight and all I could think is..the little girl that I changed diapers for, kissed boo-boos, intimidated any kid who made fun of her, protected from our father when he was on a rampage, taught to drive, bought her her first pack of smokes (she threw up and hasnt smoked since),  and helped pick up the pieces when her heart got broken the first time, is gone. In her place is this confident woman that I helped form. I knew she couldn’t remain a child forever, but it’s shocking to realize that, even though I still see that little girl with coke bottle glasses when I look at her, I'm seeing her with the tinted glasses that all older siblings have when it comes to the younger ones. She’s all grown up and has chosen a profession that will take her away from me. She’s not that girl anymore, and hasn’t been for a long time.

It suddenly hit me tonight that, for the first time ever, we’re going to be more than a phone call away from each other. I won’t be able to just text her to see how her day is going, or call when I just want to say hi. I’ve really taken her for granted in the last (almost) 20 years. I know this is something that she really wants, but I can’t help feeling that it’s not fair. Through everything, all of the things mentioned at the beginning of this post, Tiffany has been a constant source of comfort and strength. If I were honest with myself, I would admit that she helped me more than I helped her..But I'm sure she'd disagree.

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